The Obligatory Valentine's Day Entry.

I read somewhere last week that sixty percent of single Canadians spend Valentine's at home alone, sulking because they are single.

To me, this is pretty sad. Sadder than being single ever could. Now, I'm pretty pro by now at being single. Not too many people are better at being single than me. But I've spent nary a February 14th at home feeling sorry for myself.

Here are a couple reasons that will help you to enjoy the day despite being so very, very lonely.

1. You are single. You don't have to buy anyone chocolates, you don't have to take anyone out for dinner, write any poems or compose any songs. No one is going to be mad at you for forgetting it was Valentine's Day. Except maybe your mother.
2. In my opinion, Valentine's Day has the best candy of all the holidays. Yes, I am including Christmas, and even Halloween. First off, you got those witty conversation hearts with hilarious love messages such as "Fax Me" and "U R Hot". Whoever invented these things is a genius, not to mention the fact that I can literally eat 10,000 of these. You got those heart suckers that are delicious, you got those heart jujubes that are so much better than all the rest. And since you don't have anyone to buy for, you can treat yourself.

I was gunna go on, but why? If I haven't convinced you by now, you are a lost cause. Which means you are one of those sixty percent. Which means you are just yearning for the special boy or girl. Well boys, you are about to get a little lesson from the king of love.

In the form of the most passionate thing known to man: the poem. I am going to show you how to woo the girl of your dreams. Here is a little excerpt from the poem I am writing for my future lucky lady.

My love for you is as deep as Marianas Trench.
When you are with me, you tighten my heart like a wrench.
When you aren't, my soul, it cannot be quenched.
All I can ask for is your undying compassion.
Will you share with me your part of the rations?

Let's break it down. I started off here with a very powerful line. One that gets their attention right off the bat. How much deeper can you get than the deepest part of the world? I don't know.

These next two lines kind of go together. It shows that you are thinking about her twenty-four slash seven. That's a lot of time.

Next comes the request. I am reaching out to her right here. I can only love someone so much. They have to love me back. Don't worry, they will be eating out of your house by the time they get past those three lines. And by saying 'undying', you've got written proof against her if things don't work out.

And always at the end, you pose a question. I chose a question that goes kind of back to war times with the whole ration thing. Despite all the fighting, it was a very passionate time, what with ladies having to be away from their men so long and all. Given what I said about them eating out of your hand, it really is a rhetorical question.

Well, there you go. If you can't get a girl now, I don't know what to say. Rent the Notebook. Take a lesson from Ryan Gosling or whatever. But if you want my advice, stay single.

For when the time comes that you have a special someone in your life, you can't eat the candy you buy. It's just not worth it.

Happy Valentine's Day to all.